I attended my first wedding last year. Well, not MY first wedding, obviously. Feel like that’s a given. I mean, I haven’t been on a date for six months, who was I going to trap in wedlock? That one guy who… 

This is pathetic, I literally got nothing. I can’t even say ‘that one guy who keeps asking for photos of my feet’ because he hasn’t texted me in months. I can’t say ‘that one weirdo that keeps sliding into my DM’s’, because said direct messages are so so so empty. ‘That one guy that keeps staring at me when I do my groceries’ doesn’t exist, and ‘that one guy who is secretly in love with me and is afraid to ask me for my number’ is just a sad, sad fantasy. 

God, somebody ask me out, this is insane.

Anyway, I attended my first wedding last year. It was a one-off. Two people madly in love, standing up before their family and friends, saying they would from now on be willing to share each other’s toothbrushes even if it wasn’t an emergency, wasn’t a common occurrence then. Starting last week, it’s (sadly, happily, whatever) becoming one. 

My best friend’s getting married next year. I literally couldn’t be happier for them. They are the most perfect match. They are the couple you’d love to hate when you’re a depressed single or a lobster stuck with a crab, but you can’t, because they’re also genuinely the nicest people. All jokes aside, truly #blessed that I get to be a part of it. Anyway, this wedding was supposed to be my next wedding, and it isn’t until April. I still had time. I was going to write the best speech, get the greatest dress, become a less cynical version of myself, find a (at least average) date. Love exists, happy every after blabla. 

Until another one of my friends decided to get married. Like, within a month’s time. It’s the most romantic thing, and it’s kind of how I imagine my first wedding will go down. This time I am talking about MY first one. Probably out of three, but we’ll see how that goes. The ceremony was last week, and it was brilliant. Good food, good mood, love in the air, you know how it goes.

Of course, on such short notice, I wasn’t able to get myself a date or become a better person, but I did find a nice dress. Bonus, it only took me one week of exclusively eating hard-boiled eggs and wishing I was dead to fit into it. All my other friends were there, and I managed to escape two pity-come-and-slow-dance-with-us-the-obvious-couple. All in all a great night. 

As per usual though, everything they tell you in the movies is a lie. Weddings are not the singles-shagfest they make it out to be. I didn’t know of any gorgeous single groomsmen, and am fairly confident the only gorgeous single person present, was me. On top of that, I couldn’t even drink, because I was my own designated driver. 

God, somebody ask me out, this is insane.

Nevertheless, I wish the happy couple the most joyous life. You could tell they were made for each other the way they danced together. It’s not because I’m a miserable sad sack that everyone should be. It would make me look better, though. 

Currently taking applications to be my date to the April wedding. You can now send your resume and bank statements to somebodyaskmeout@thisisinsane.com or leave a voicemail at 0-400-GONNA-DIE-ALONE.