Today, 11/11, is singles’ day. Apparently, it once began as a celebration of singledom in China, and they chose this day because all the ones in the date represent single people. It’s ironic how I just typed ‘singles’ and ‘date’ in one sentence and it doesn’t have anything to do with each other. Not unlike me and dateable people. Anyway. 

It won’t come as a surprise to you that I find this Singles’ Day complete and utter bullshit. It’s supposed to be a sort of Fuck-Valentine’s-Day for us consciously uncoupleds, which is fair enough, were it not that Valentine’s Day is also complete and utter bullshit. Why do brands keep trying to sell me shit based on whether or not I’m in a relationship? Imagine, if a miracle were to occur and I’d be dating someone in February, and then obviously we’d be broken up by March/April, I would have to buy shit for Valentine’s Day ànd for Single’s Day? Don’t fucking think so. 

Yes, I do get the point that on this day, I get to buy shit for myself and then keep it, which is fun. The oh-so-kind brands are even willing to give me a discount, which is so nice given the fact that I’m a lonely and sad half of a couple. I know, I know, it’s supposed to be a celebration! The brands are just doing us a favour! How come then that I heard a commercial on the radio that told me to buy myself something nice on Singles’ Day, so when my package arrives, I’ll have something to hold in my arms? No kidding. ‘Buy something so you won’t feel the crippling weight of knowing you’ll die alone.’ 

Needless to say, I won’t be buying anything today. The crippling weight of knowing I’ll die alone keeps me warm at night. Don’t need a new heater. Also – and this might come as a surprise – I’m not one of those hip and happening singles who has use for copious amounts of perfume or the condoms they so graciously added to the list of discounted items. 

They really should have put the cat food on sale. Missed a great marketing opportunity there.