Nobody panic: I’m still single. This is not a love/relationship related post, or at least not in the classical way. Besides, imagine, apart from the world shocking news that somebody would have agreed to dating me, it would only just be our one-month anniversary or so, and everybody knows it’s cringy and awkward to be celebrating that shit. Here, love, flowers because it’s been a month since we first met, feels more like a sort of here, darling, I got you ten long-stemmed red roses for every literal second we’ve known each other. But I guess that’s just my bitter millennial heart trying to kill the long-stemmed roses industry.

Anyway, what anniversary might a sour old hag like me be celebrating today? It’s been over a year since I went on a proper date, so I’ve already missed that one. It’s still a few months until the I-fainted-during-a-skydive-anniversary, so it’s not that, either. No, ladies (and lost gentlemen), this is the nine-month anniversary of The First Time Somebody Asked Me For A Photo Of My Feet. I thought nine months was a fitting milestone to celebrate this, as it is literally possible to grow a new human being in this time frame, yet it will never be possible for me to forget someone asked me for a photo of my bare (which means naked!) feet. My. Naked. Feet.

It was a hot day in July, and as usual I was minding my own business – that sounds like a lie, but whatever – when my phone screen lit up. A message? Me? I always find it very exciting because the options are infinite: is it one of the three people that ever text me, or my Mum??? Turns out it was this one guy from high school (so someone I haven’t seen in about eight years) that messages me every two years to tell me he has a crush on me. It’s cute, and good to know I still have options, but it’s never going to happen. Not to be a bitch, because I mean it in the nicest way possible when I say this, but no, ne-ver, ja-mais, nooit. You wish a guy coincidentally seated next to you good luck on an exam one fucking time, and they just think you’re going to marry them? Where was this kind of logical reasoning when I met Carl Barat?

This time, however, his message wasn’t a hey wyd – bless the people who keep asking what you’re doing – but it was a straight on do you like getting a foot massage? I was bored at the time, so I was incredibly happy to receive this message, because what the actual fuck? How will this conversation play out? I said yes, because it is true, and also, again: how will this conversation play out??? He then immediately proceeded to ask me for a photo of my NAKED feet (it’s weirdly fun to think of my feet being naked even though they’re literally always exposed in Summer? Makes me feel rebellious) and I almost fell off my chair. Of course, as good girls do, I immediately sent the screenshot to the girls group chat and expressed my concerns. He then asked if I wanted him to give me a foot rub. I said we literally hadn’t seen each other in ten years and that I was very confused, something he thought very odd as he responded with a oh, have you forgotten about me? Well, uhm, yeah. Obviously. It’s been ten years.

It’s hard to determine what my favourite part of this whole conversation was, and I’m probably going to have to say him asking for the photo, but when I pointed out it was a bit of a strange opener, he also said this: I just wanted to be a bit original, you know. Last time we spoke, I confessed I had feelings for you and then I just went off and started dating someone else. I didn’t want you to be hurt that I said those things and then got a girlfriend, as if everything I’d said to you didn’t mean anything. I was actually lost for words. Bless his delusional heart that he actually thought he hurt my feelings by denying me the opportunity to date him??? At this point, I’m just slowly turning into that meme kid that just squints a bit and smiles uncomfortably and obviously has no clue what the actual fuck is going on.

Another great reason to write about this today, is not just the fact that it is my The First Time Somebody Asked Me For A Photo Of My Feet anniversary, but also that I discovered he has actually been dating someone for the last three years, and it’s their anniversary this month as well. Enjoy it, babe. Your boyfriend’s a total dick.

So, girls, beware. Even when you’re dating a guy that probably had to sell his soul to the devil to get a shot with you (and had to suck the devil’s dick to actually turn that shot into a relationship), they can still be idiotic pricks that are asking other girls for photos of their feet.

Sorry, not just their feet.

Their explicitly naked feet.