There are times I’m the perfect conversational partner: intelligent, funny and interesting (rolling your eyes yet?), and then there are times I’m the blondest/most awkward/meanest chick in the world. My father almost convinced me once that roosters can lay eggs, and just recently my roommate made me believe a snake killed itself in his garage (it did not, his father killed it, fyi). As long as you say it convincingly enough, I’ll believe you. Some would say I’m naïve, but I just like to believe in people not bullshitting me the whole time. Also, it’s usually pretty hilarious – when I just started at work, the whole office burst out in laughter when I congratulated a colleague on his engagement. He was not, it was just an ongoing joke. Guess I’ll cancel the congratulatory flowers.

My most awkward moment recently then, involves a very Liam Hemsworth-y looking guy – just leave it up to me to always be at my most awkward around a hot guy. Here I am, in this wetsuit, looking bomb as fuck obviously, ready to go snorkelling in the Great Barrier Reef when he asks me how I’m feeling. To be honest, I was scared shitless. What if, for God knows what reason, I had just forgotten how to swim? So I tell him: “I’m scared shitless.” He laughs and asks me why. Instead of saying something funny, witty, maybe idk normal, I just say “death”. That is the word my brain chooses to use to utter to this gorgeous guy. I know why I’m single.

It probably also has something to do with my bitchy, slightly judgmental side, though. Recently, I started another swiping streak on Bumble. Note to self: don’t swipe when you’re in a shitty mood. I come across this way too cute, fine as fuck guy and we match. Out of all the things I could say (“How are you?”, “Nice day?”, even a cheeky “You’re cute”) I say: “Wow, you look like a proper fuckboy, amirite?” I meant it as a joke, because I’m still stuck in the 8th grade mentality of showing people I like them by being mean to them, and he took it pretty well – I thought. He goes: “That’s cute, do you always match with people to insult them?” I was about to pull out my witty, charming insulting humour, when he unmatches me. Guess I deserved that.

Fortunately, I somehow found the energy somewhere to be nice to a few guys.

I’ll be in touch.