Some things in life are inevitable: death, taxes and of course dick pics. Somehow boys think a photo of their dick is the best gift a girl could get. Spoiler alert: it’s not. If there are any guys out there reading this, I want you to do this thinking exercise with me. Let’s pretend for a moment that you’re some cool chick who’s trying to meet a cool guy on a dating app. You’re casually swiping left and/or right and you match with a nice looking guy. You chat for two seconds and then he asks you if you have Snapchat. Hesitantly you admit to it, to see where this might lead. Maybe he’s doing something really epic and wants to share, right? You gotta have a little faith. Spoiler alert: you better ditch that faith right now.

I have recently shared with you guys how I’m trying out Bumble and how I thought it was better than Tinder. I still think it is, but for the sake of this blog (and for the sake of Drama, duh) I’m going to pretend it too is an awful hell hole and that pretty much all boys suck – which, tbh, they do, so that’s not really me being overdramatic, that’s just the truth. In the few weeks I have been sporadically swiping left and right (but mostly right, say whuuut?!), I have met some cool dudes, and I have met some seriously weird dudes. I have already introduced you to the ‘I have watched 50 Shades of Grey One Too Many Times-guy’, but today I want you to get the know my first ‘Send Nudes-dude’. He was my age, Australian and had heaps of cool photos doing cool things. We started talking and it was an alright conversation, but not crazy exciting. Naturally, we kind of just stopped talking to each other. Until a blissful morning where I wake up to a message from my Aussie. Yes, I told him, I was still in bed and yes, like almost everybody our age, I have Snapchat. Knowing where this was going, I still gave him my Snapchat. For the sake of research, of course.

You may or may not know this, but one of the inventors of Snapchat was actually the original ‘Send Nudes-dude’. The app was developed after some friends got together and one of them expressed the wish that ‘these photos’ he was sending some girl would just disappear. It doesn’t take a college degree to guess what was on ‘these photos’ – but for those who are so beautifully innocent and naïve: it was probably his dick. So, there I was, phone in hand, eagerly awaiting the first snap. ‘Show me what you are doing.’ My eyes physically hurt from the massive eye roll I did. Of course, beautifully innocent and naïve as I am, I sent him a photo of the corner of my foot and my room with my laundry basket on full display. ‘Just looking at all this laundry that needs to be done.’ He was nice about it though and complimented my room (LOL, it’s the plainest thing since white bread). He then sent me a photo of hìs legs with the caption that his bed is just soooo comfortable and that he’s staying in watching Netflix all day. Hìs legs/knees, in that classic swimming pool Instapose à la ‘look at how beautiful that pool is but I actually meant how good do my legs look?!’. How wildly awkward. He was then the proud receiver of another foot pic saying that I was leaving my bed. In comes another leg photo screaming that I should stay in bed. He didn’t actually send me the words ‘send nudes’ – which I still kind of regret –  but we all know where that Snap streak was going. Boy, bye. I got shit to do.

To this day, I have never sent a nude in my life. I don’t do pics, I do words – I’m a writer after all. Shout-out to my original sext friend back home: you da one, boi. Until next DM.