Imagine my love life being something like a deserted saloon in an old Western movie. There’s not much going on, but every now and then a tumbleweed passes by – something (or someone) that makes the place look eventful for a second, but then usually turns out to be nothing more than a boring and meaningless ball of air and dirt. Yet there is a weird constant in the tumbleweeds that pass me by. Of course there is the odd date with the good guys, the nice ones, the actual genuinely interesting people, but there is just one type of guy that will always come back to me. This one goes out to all the sleezebags who thinks they are life’s sexual gift to me; introducing the ‘we owe it to sex’ – guy. Spoiler alert: I don’t owe nobody anything, except maybe some people some money (soz, mates).

The ‘we owe it to sex’ – guy usually hangs out in the outskirts of the friend zone; they are those friends you always had this strange chemistry with, even though you would never dream to actually go out with them. There may be some harmless flirtations going on, but always in the safe bounds of a larger friend group. Do not, under any circumstance, hang out with them alone – because that’s when the mansplaining begins. ‘This would not affect our friendship’, they would say. ‘Honestly though, you want it too’, they would argue. ‘It would not be fair to the world, to the universe, to Sex itself if we didn’t hook up’, they plea. Did I already mention they usually have a girlfriend? There’s a special place in Hell for guys like this – and it’s probably right next to the place I’d be writing my blog (maybe something along the lines of Dating is Hell, what do you reckon?) so they can still keep on bothering me even after we’ve all died.

I always pretend to be cool about it, maybe flirt back a little bit, but I’ll end the conversation with a big and resounding ‘hell to the no’. Guys think there’s just something sò friggin’ flattering about being asked to be the Side Chick that you would throw yourself at them. Honey, could you at least make me a more permanent side chick? The one you wine and dine and buy diamonds for? I am way too smart to be trapped into sleeping with you by that ridiculous speech. Contrary to popular male belief, I’m not sitting around waiting for you to hit it and quit it so that all would be well again in the universe. I think the universe is managing fine without us shagging. At least I know I am.

p.s. Of course this would all change if Liam Hemsworth would start hanging out with me. I’m only human.

p.p.s. To all the Side Chicks out there, sometimes you get stuck in it because you think yoù should be the Main Chick. I totally get that. If one of aforementioned boys would be the guy I knew/hoped would be my Main Dude, I would not have written this slightly condescending piece. I would be out there, making that guy mine. I ain’t no saint either.